There is no way to fulfil these things without sounding either idiotic or disingenuous.
But
Me: 35, from Birmingham, firmly on the chubby side of curvy, 5'2", I've got 8 tattoos and 11 piercings (in case that kind of thing bothers you), have many hobbies more often associated with being an OAP. Clumsy, often shy, occasionally brave, normally tired. Have previously always identified as straight but could be interested in changing this. I like lots of bands but feel like I'm still on MySpace when listing them, so I'm not going to. Brief gist: punk, ska, 2tone, pop punk, 90's metal and indie, rock n roll, British Invasion 60's stuff. I am also old enough to hold a conversation with people who have differing musical tastes, so don't let that be my defining factor. If you don't like sarcastic women who swear a lot then I'm definitely not for you. See also: opinionated, feminist, vegetarian. If you're still not deterred then send me a message, maybe we can chat. If you live hundreds of miles away from me, then we can totally be pen pals but that's pretty much it.
