Dating Interview:
Narrator: “Hi-and welcome along to another dating profile, with a difference. I have with me a guy called Ben, whose hoping against hope that he’ll find love online”.
Ben: “Howdy, thanks for having me along-and most importantly, thanks to all those currently reading this.”
Narrator (looking perplexed): “Howdy? Who says ‘Howdy’?”
Ben: “Well, I do sometimes. Anyway, is there any chance we could crack on with the interview rather than being bogged down in linguistic minutia?”
Narrator: “You ought to know your place-I decide the questions-and if I want to ask about linguistics, I will. Anyway, could you give a description of yourself, tell these women visiting why they should consider dating you?”
Ben: “Sure. I’m a good-looking, super talented”.
Narrator (interrupts): “a truthful description would be nice-and keep it brief, I’ve got my dinner in the oven”.
Ben: “If you’ll let me finish, I’m a good-looking, super talented, loaded businessman, trapped in the body and life of an average looking, slightly annoying local radio presenter. I’m politically liberal, but constitutionally and personally conservative, with an open mind to all cultures. I revel in the idea of someday being in a lifelong romance".
Narrator: “Apparently your career is very important to you-can you explain what you do exactly?”
Ben: “I play songs and annoy people by talking in between. In all seriousness, I do work as a radio presenter, on a Breakfast show for a local station-and in addition, I present 4 other shows on 2 separate networks. You can listen in.”
Narrator: “This is a dating profile, not a free opportunity to plug your radio programmes. Anyway, what are your plans for the future?”
Ben: “Well firstly, I’m gonna make myself a tea once I’ve done this”.
Narrator: “I meant more long-term and I was referring to your work plans”.
Ben: “Oh-well, I’m working towards setting up a radio production company, something I’m in the beginning stages of.”
Narrator: “What music do you like?”
Ben: “All sorts, from classical to Latvian Heavy Metal-and everything in between. While I’m partial to a lot of new music, the oldest recording I have is from 1889. Seriously, get me talking about music and I could talk all day about my favourites-and still miss loads off.”
Narrator (interrupts, having regretted asking): “Changing topic, could you reassure the kind people visiting this profile that you’re not glued to a radio desk 24/7, by telling them what you do in your free time?”
Ben: “I’ll do my best. I enjoy History, particularly the history of Russia, the US and the UK. I’m a big fan of Alternate History as well-and I’m currently in the very long process of writing an Alternate History story, based around the Suffrage movement”
Narrator (yawning): “You know history bores me, so don’t bother coming to me for an interview once you’ve got it published”
Ben: “If, not when-I’m writing it for fun, mainly.”
Narrator: “Whatever. Can we move onto more of your hobbies outside work, please?”
Ben: “Of course. I enjoy (amongst other things) watching TV, (mainly comedies and documentary type programmes), visiting theme parks, eating out at restaurants, eating take-aways, quiet dinners with friends and family (okay, I like my food), camping/hiking, reading/writing, swimming and going rock Climbing. I practice Astrology, despite being a relative novice at it.”
Narrator (mockingly laughing): “You’re not telling me you seriously believe in all that rubbish, are you?”
Ben (in a defensive tone): “uh… yes, I am, actually. I was a sceptic as well a while ago, though over the last couple of years I’ve shifted my opinion. Truth is, I’ve realised there’s a lot more to this astrology malarkey than the sunsign overviews you see in newspapers-and that it’s been pretty effective in my own life, without me knowing it at the time.”
Narrator: “So can you do me a chart analysis?”
Ben: “In theory, yes, though I thought you didn’t believe in astrology, so why would you want me to do that?”
Narrator (while glancing at his watch): “Don’t be smart with me. You hinted earlier on that you’re into politics-I’d like to explore that in more depth. If you could, what political reforms would you implement?”
Ben: “I’d instigate multilateral Nuclear Disarmament, introduce compulsory Media Studies in Secondary schools and introduce more effective legislation for dealing with mental health”.
Narrator (in a disgusted tone): “All pie in the sky idealism then. I for one am glad you’ll never reside in number 10 as you’d leave a Trumper like me foaming at the mouth!”
Ben: "Isn't foaming at the mouth what you guys enjoy doing the most? In which case, surely I'd be your dream politician?"
Narrator: “Don't be such a cynic-that's my job-and more importantly, I ask the questions, not you. Where in the world would you love to visit?”
Ben: “The U.S, Finland, Ecuador, Russia, Norway, Canada, Spain, Africa and Cyprus amongst others, would be interested to explore a lot more of the UK too”.
Narrator: “If you were having a dinner party and could invite 5 well-known people, dead or alive, who would they be?”
Ben: “Kevin Greening, Queen Elizabeth The 1st, Bradley Wiggins, Hannah Whittall Smith and William Gladstone. I must say though, I’m surprised you asked me such a question given how peckish you are.”
Narrator (in a frustrated voice): “Please, please, pa-lease Stop reminding me. Okay, so now for the big question-what are you looking for on this site exactly?”
Ben: “A life-spanning, 100 % monogamous, totally equal partnership, including marriage-eventually. While I’m open to making platonic friends along the way, I make absolutely no bones about primarily being after a wife-and I won’t enter or continue a relationship unless I believe that’s where I suspect it’ll eventually head. Though my views on this issue may seem pretty archaic by today's standards, they're based entirely on what I want for myself than any moral objections to other people's conduct."
Narrator: “What in your opinion, makes a strong relationship?”
Ben: “Acceptance of each other’s faults, moods and quirks, trust and communication are up there, especially the ability to listen to each other and to be able to laugh with one another. Also, I think being comfortable in each other’s silence is a definite signal of strength. Finally mutual support is crucial.”
Narrator (yawning): “Anyway, moving on as all this serious talk about marriage and fidelity is making my brain ache, not to mention ruining my image. Do you have a ‘type’?”
Ben: “Not really, no. In terms of looks, I couldn’t give a stuff, to be honest. Much the same applies on the subject of age, as long as a partner is over 18 and is emotionally mature. I’m a sucker for voices, however-and I have a soft spot for certain accents.”
Narrator: “Such as?”.
Ben: “I like the Russian accent-along with French-Canadian in particular. Closer to home, the Geordie accent is music to my ears-and I’m partial to Yorkshire as well, but if a voice is at least relatively pleasant to listen to, I’d be more than happy as long as we’re compatible.”
Narrator: “Finally, What are your guilty pleasures-you must have some?”
Ben: “Abba, Fresh Cream Cakes, most Christmas films (such as Elf and Jack Frost etc), Legally Blond (studied it at Uni believe it or not), Prime Minister's Question Time, The Sound Of Music, finding out about crackpot conspiracy theories (only to end up disagreeing with them) and having a Quarter Pounder from McDonalds.”
Narrator: “Well, we’re coming to the end of this interview-have you anything else to say?”
Ben: “The only thing I’d add is that I hope to hear from you if you’re interested in getting to know me better-if not, good luck with finding what you're after on this site anyway!”
Narrator: “Well, looks like we’re just in time for me to tuck into my unburnt dinner, luckily for you as I'd hate to disclose anything that you'd rather forget. That said, Ben has many embarrassing secrets-I advise you to do some discrete digging…”
