heyyy. i'm me, i guess. totally f**ked up, for sure. which is, in fact, what i'm looking for. a f**ked up, messed up, screwy dude, because it's just like...the normal guys are assholes. at least emo's and s**t are sweet and like admire me. i wanna be in love, i really do. i have my problems, i won't lie. i cry, i am human *gasp!* and i do some f**ked up stuff. i want a guy who is like me. i can handle self destructive. meaness? not so much. i want a guy who loves me for me, good and bad. scary and exciting. someone i can be fearless with. i need a sweet escape. my life? i guess it's been screwed up. my parents are great, though, way supportive(mom especially). i love animals and kids and music. play guitar, flute, violin, drums, and piano. can't sing for my life haha. progress, i confess is way over due i get caught up in the things i fell into. i need someone to save me from myself, to fuel the fire beneath these tired bones. to stay, for once. i love reading and writing, sports are ok i guess. i was always kinda the outcast all the guys(and a few girls) wanted to screw. i'm a virgin, kinda. there. i said it. *gasp*! some people can keep their legs closed. i don't like dudes who sleep around. or have f**k buddies. or think s*x is something casual. i'm sweet(most of the time), affectionate, quirky, messed up, lost, running a hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction, wondering if anybody hears me, or if anybody sees. i'm a good listener, not much of a talker. words are easier for me to read and write than they are to speak. love texting, so if you don't...i don't wanna talk and get my hopes up. don't do facebook, pointless to me. i'm laid back in a lot of aspects, clingy and needy, though. love clingy guys. i want someone to see me as i am. someone to take me there. someone to fall in love with.
something like fate...
i lie awkae at night a lot,
crying, until i can cry no more,
until my nose is plugged up,
until my eyes are burning,
until my throat is scratchy
and the moonlight reflects on my salty cheeks.
about everything.
something called reality.
over everything bad, and maybe everything good.
too scary to tell.
to think about it.
until i float away to a dreamland,
or nightmare land.
whichever you preffer.
sometiems i have a good dream but i wake up,
to find it over.
which makes me feel hopeless.
drained.
tired.
and i cry all over again.
but the nightmares aren't that bad.
because i can wake myself up.
if i even want to.
which, on rare occassions,
i wonder if i do.
but they're not that scary.
the nightmares with the wolfman, and falling,
and being stabbed or raped.
because i can wake up,
or change it.
i have to wake up,
to the nightmare i call life.
where the real monsters are.
the ones where i can't close my eyes and wish them away.
where i have to face them.
so sometimes i wonder if i can.
sometimes i close my eyes and count to ten.
my mom taught me.
it never fails.
but the ultimate monster,
he smiles at me when he sees me.
tries to hug me.
tells me how good i look.
i need a refuge i can't create. someone to always love me. and just be there.
for the hell of it.
to be my sweet escape.
i want to ask him.
a lot of things.
why he did it.
did he enjoy it?
is he really that sick?
does he like pain?
did he hate me?
was he lying when he said he loved me?
or did he, in his own sick way?
did he like the fear in my eyes?
or was he just as scared as i was?
did hurting me get him off?
it sure seems that way.
does he hate me?
i think so.
did he feel like a man?
i sure as hell hope not.
does he regret it?
i doubt it.
should he?
yes. but what he should do and what he actually does are two different things.
i think he enjoyed every f**kin second,
loved the tears,
and the screams,
enjoyed the pain he brought upon me.
i hate the way he loved me.
i wish he never had.
