I am... miserable.
There's no real way around it, many things have gotten better in my life but there remains one gnawing emptiness. Surely I can't be the only person feeling this kind of lonliness, but it does seem like everyone else is determined either to problematize or deny the same.
A lot of it comes from the fact that for most of my life, I wasn't really allowed to exist.
For those who care about Enneagrams and Socionics here's me in convenient nutshell form:
4w5-6-8 Sx/so INFj
You know what I want? I want the kind of deep, emotional, love that people pretend doesn't exist because it's not their style. Everything I do is in some way related to keeping the dream I had as a child alive, of finding another wonderful girl who loves me for me. But I won't pretend I'm not in pain. Why would I possibly do that when I want someone who loves me not in spite of it but because of it?
None of this pathos makes me incompetent or incapable. None of it makes me less of a catch, less inventive, less devoted, less able. We live in a world where despite being just 4% of the population 30% of CEOs are over 6 feet tall. Are tall people harder working? Are they "rich for a reason?" No? Then why would you assume the otherwise with people who... haven't found someone save for one brief, shining, tear-filled, devastating year?
I'm just tired of living in a world where I'm expected to lie. No more lying. Rescue me, I'm worth it.
