Holaback, Girl!
Well then, here we are....so then, hmmmm, what say....right, I thought I'd try this exercise in self-deprecation, and see if it could be a alternative way to meet someone, and by 'alternative' i mean 'lazy', by 'someone' i mean 'a girl'(adult), but i would consider a hermaphrodite if he/she liked Star Wars, and didn't have a set of genitalia bigger than mine. ie. larger than a baby's toe. Oh and no witches please...i had a bad experience with one once!
I'm in firm belief that the days of meeting a girl in a youth infested disco and discovering the only thing we have in common is smelling of zambucca, vomit, and desperation are over!! Well, possibly!! Last Saturday doesn't count because someone spiked my Um Bongo with zambucca, vomit and desperation. Plus, the site of a 36 year old man dancing about like C3PO with cerebral palsy, to Katy Perry or One Direction is just creepy....bordering on s*x attacker creepy!!! And for the record, as i said to the police - i had no idea it was a school disco!!....or did I!?!?! No, no i didn't! I did!
I really believe I'm a genuinely wizard fella with (most of the time) a sunny disposition and positive spirit. I have the up-most respect for men, women, children over the age of 18, and monkey/human hybrids. (Unless you support Man Utd, then you can burn in Hell!!). I'm also annoyingly laid back, like Eeyore on ketamine laid back.
Unfortunately I'm also a bit of a ladette - but that doesn't necessarily mean I'm some scally scum-bum who acts like an extra from 'Drunks On Camera' or 'Wrexham's Worst Drunks' (way too much competition on the last one....from my mum and dad!!). It just means I'm a gregarious fellow who loves being in the company of friends, and am probably happiest when I'm bumming around with them - in the non-sodomy way(well, except when I'm actually being sodomized by them)!!
Well, who am i looking for?! Well, a girl from the human race would be preferable, but if not I'm willing to accept Mermaid, zombie, cyborg or Eskimo. Also, I guess unlike a lot of people i don't really have a "type", or favour a particular style in a girl. But something i don't find at all attractive are thongs...ergh...i find them about as s*xy as a dog choking to death on a toddler's eye!
I'm not the type who assess' people on first impressions, or judges a book by it's cover (unless the book in question is Mein Kampf, the Bible or Stephen Hawking's Big Book of t*ts!). But at the same time i don't think it's shallow of me not be attracted to a girl who looks like Princess Fiona(in Troll form)!! Having said that, I'd rather be with someone who looks like a chimpanzee had mauled their face off, as apposed to a model who's got the personality of a garden slug! Hmm, actually I've met some garden slugs over the years, and they were quite charismatic, so that's unfair. Let's just say the personality of your average X-Factor finalist!!
Oh and in case you go for guys with a sensitive side, the scene in the NeverEnding Story where Artax dies in the swamp of sadness, makes me cry like a dad at the birth of a surprise ginger baby!!
I also believe in Narnia, Cuckoo-Land(Jamie and the Magic Torch), Wonderland and essex!! I love clubbing - baby Seals!!! I'm a charter member of Team Jacob. I facking hate the word "banter". And i believe midgets were put on this earth souly to be thrown at giant Velcro targets!! Oh wait, I'm a bit of an aspiring grammar/English Nazi, and i blooming hate extreme text speak - more than Officer Dibble hates Top Cat. A prime example from a Facebook status - "Duz any1 no wat tym asda cloz plz". Saints preserve us!! Oscar Wilde and the inventor of Scrabble would be spinning in their graves!!
PS. Obviously kidding, i don't like clubbing baby seals, only adult ones!!! The pelt is much softer!!
PPS. Justin Beiber is a massive massive cyant, to which I've alluded to for years. Since he was a baby in fact!!
Hasta La Vista.
